Breakthroughs and Connections:

A Monthly E-Newsletter from the desk of Patti Ashley

March 12, 2007

Volume 1, Number 4

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.” Rainer Marie Rilke

After working with parents for over 26 years, I have found that many mothers often feel frustrated, inadequate, guilty and unsure of themselves.  It seems the more educated we become, the more pressure we put on ourselves to meet the expectations of raising healthy, happy children into competent adults.  Let’s face it that is no easy task.  If we want so desperately to do it right then why are we so hard on ourselves?  And, more importantly…why aren’t we talking about it?

Five years ago I completed a doctoral dissertation on the subject because it seemed to be such a common experience of the parents I had been working with.  The academic title was: “Explicating the Whole Mother: Integrating Shadow Aspects of the ‘Too Good Mother’ Archetype. I explored in-depth the experiences of six mothers and found five common themes that emerged.  These themes included: unrealistic expectations and judgment; self-care and support systems; unconditional love and letting go; advocacy and self-esteem; and paradox. 

I looked at the shadow aspects of each of these five themes and discovered the hidden unconscious material that creates this pervasive discontent in the experience of mothering.  Mothers often feel that they are falling short of the unrealistic expectations put upon them and then they internalize the feelings.  The idealization of mothers in our culture, in addition to the rapidly changing society has left many women scrambling to find ways to manage all of the stressors and still raise healthy, happy children.

In an article published in 2001 in the book Mothers and Children, Chase and Rogers described the idealized image of mother: “Above all else she is selfless.  Her children come before herself and any other need or person or commitment.  She loves her children unconditionally yet she is careful not to smother them with her love or her own needs. She follows the advice of doctors and other experts and she educates herself about child development.  She is ever present in her children’s lives when they are young, and when they get older she is home every day to greet them when they return from school.  If she works outside of the home, she arranges her job around her children so she can be there for them as much as possible, certainly when they are sick or unhappy.  The good mother’s success is reflected in her children’s behavior—they are well mannered and respectful of others; at the same time they have a strong sense of independence and self-esteem.  They grow up to be productive citizens.”

While we are experiencing this idealization, we are also feeling the suppression of feminine values such as: nurturance, compassion, relatedness, empathy, connectedness and cooperation.  Currently in our “American Idol” culture we value success, competition, external accomplishments and material goods.  We give lip service to mothering. How often do we really stop to explore the value of parenting and how we can make a better environment for families in our society? 

Judith Warner in her book Perfect Madness compared the differences in American and European countries in relationship to motherhood.  Joan Williams and Holly Cooper in their article “The Public Policy of Motherhood,” listed nineteen proposed public policy measures similar to some of the European countries that provide for more balance in work-family life.   Elizabeth Vargas, a reporter on the television news show 20/20, recently spoke out about her experience of mothering and how difficult it is for women to do it all. Vargas stated that America is ranked the fourth lowest country in regards to public policies related to parenting.  How can one of the wealthiest countries in the world neglect such a crucial part of our existence?   Legislators and advocacy groups are just beginning to look at ways to make America more “family friendly,” but in the meantime, we continue to work several jobs and try to manage enormous amounts of stress, while still wanting to be perfect mothers and available to our children.

My workshop: NEW MILLENNIUM MOMS: MOTHERING BEYOND IMAGE is designed to give mothers a time and space to explore the experiences of mothering in a deeply profound way.  My intention is to help mothers better integrate the shadow aspects of the five common themes and feel more whole in their role as mother.  It takes three generations to shift a paradigm and we are on the brink of something brand new and much more balanced.  Taking time to look deeply at our inner lives is crucial to affect significant change in our children’s and our grandchildren’s lives.

Mark your calendars for April 13 & 14^th!  EARLY REGISTRATION PRICE ENDS MARCH 15^TH!  Sign up NOW. 

Take time to nurture yourself and book a room at the Niwot Inn, a lovely bed and breakfast, seven miles north of Boulder! Hope to see you there!

Patti Ashley, Ph.D., Psychotherapist and Life Process Mentor

“Be the change you wish to see.” Gandhi

New Millennium Moms : Mothering Beyond Image

Friday 7-9 PM and Saturday 9 AM-5 PM at the beautiful Niwot Inn  www.niwotinn.com             (7 miles north of Boulder, CO)

Saturday night Dance Party with Kendra Howard-Espinoza from 7-9 PM, Location -TBA

~Call the Niwot Inn now if you want to stay over-night in this very sweet bed and breakfast~

Choose from one or more of the following workshop events:

  Registration:     Early             Late                Closing

                   (before 3/15)   (before 3/31)    (after 4/1)

Friday Night     10.00              15.00               20.00

Saturday Day   90.00              95.00              100.00

Combo(Fri/Sat)95.00            105.00              115.00

 SATURDAY NIGHT DANCE PARTY…………………… 10.00

####EARLY REGISTRATION BEFORE MARCH 15!!!!!####

Do you sometimes feel frustrated, inadequate, guilty, or not good enough as a mother?  This intensive weekend workshop will explore these common experiences and help you to feel better about yourself and your role as a mother.  Designed for mothers with children of ALL ages! 

(The Saturday night dance party is designed for anyone who likes to have fun and dance!  Bring your family and friends!)

Workshop topics include:  unrealistic expectations, judgment and guilt; self-care and support systems; unconditional love and letting go; individual differences, self-esteem and advocacy; the paradox of being a mother; and mindfulness, balance and authenticity as the new parenting paradigm.

Patti Ashley, Ph.D., workshop presenter, brings over 26 years of professional and personal experiences of mothering into this experiential weekend. Based on her research on mothering in the new millennium.

Kendra Howard-Espinoza, black belt Nia instructor, will lead the dance party with her fantastic light energy!

To register print, complete and mail the following registration form.

 720-565-3388

pashleyphd@aol.com

Please e-mail me if you want to be removed from this list.

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Registration for New Millennium Moms:

Mothering beyond Image

Patti Ashley, Ph.D., psychotherapist and director of Parent Heart Mentoring

Friday, April 13, 2007 from 7-9 PM: PowerPoint presentation and discussion of topics.

Saturday, April 14, 2007 from 9 AM – 5 PM: Experiential activities including creative arts, music, dance, meditation and small group discussion around the topics.

Saturday, April 14, 2007 from 7-9 PM: Dance Party led by black belt Nia instructor, Kendra Howard-Espinoza. An evening of dance and fun! (Location: to be announced)                                       

Workshop held at the Niwot Inn www.niwotinn.com  (7 miles north of Boulder, CO)

~Call the Niwot Inn 303-652-8452 as soon as possible if you want to stay over-night in this very sweet bed and breakfast~

Choose one or more of the following events:

      Early                    Late                    Closing

                                     (Before 3/15)         (Before 3/31)       (After 4/1)

Friday Night                        10.00                   15.00                  20.00

Saturday Day                      90.00                   95.00                100.00

Combo (best price)            95.00                 105.00                115.00

*SATURDAY NIGHT DANCE PARTY 10.00*

I will be attending the following events:

Friday Night__________________  Cost  (see above)__________

Saturday Day_________________  Cost (see above)___________

Combo Price__________________  Cost (see above)___________

Saturday Night________________  Cost (see above)___________

Total enclosed:__________

OR Credit Card #________________Exp. Date:________(circle: VISA/MC)

Name:_______________________Phone:____________________

Address:_______________________________________________

E-mail:________________________________________________

(Yes, I would like to be added to Patti Ashley’s e-mail list_______)

Please complete this form and send with your check to Dr. Patti Ashley, P.O. Box 234, Niwot, CO 80544 to confirm your registration.  Space is limited so register early!)